21 May 2011

An Investment Opportunity: Insiders Only

More than a year ago, I came across an interesting Bloomberg piece: an atheist had a great idea for the millions of people who believed in the Rapture--when all the True Believers would ascend to heaven and leave the rest of us down here to suffer for however long it took for God, in her infinite wisdom, to destroy the place via fire, earthquake, flood, bedbugs, whatever. The atheist pointed out that the devout, though perhaps a bit unhinged, were still nice people who loved their families, --AND THEIR DOGS!

But here's the thing:  the dogs have no souls!  Therefore they could not be taken up on Rapture Day.  What would happen to them when their loving families one day ascended and there was no one to fill Scout's food bowl? Who would flush the toilet so the pooch could get a drink? And who would hand out the treats when the charmer sat up straight, wagged his tail, cocked his head, and behaved so adorably you could (and did) kiss him on the snout?

So this guy had a plan: he would, and did, sell about one hundred insurance policies, for an $11 premium, and those policies guaranteed that atheists would adopt the True Believers' dogs and care for them post-rapture. There is no mention of his being registered with any state's Insurance Commissioner.  Hey, AIG sold a lot more that $1,100 worth of insurance, and they weren't licensed!

But now we have more than a vague hypothesis.  The True Believers, if they don't go up at 6:00 PM today, will doubtless recalculate, find a new biblical clue they missed before, and pick a new date some time in the future, and here is our opportunity. The press is all over this.  This is hot.  None of this $1,100 revenue stuff.  We want to show Raj we can do this legally and make a lot more than he did!

Here's my plan. Do not discuss with your financial advisor. Just send a check if you want in:

These right-thinking God Fearing Americans who believe, really believe, in The Rapture, are serious dudes.  There are millions of them. They love their dogs and we can ease their worries. The pet industry is a multi-billion dollar piece of our economy.  There is gold in those dogs. (Later, we can branch out into cats, parakeets, mice,  pythons, whatever.)

Here's my plan:  We buy this $1,100 guy out, or better still, set up a competing operation. 

Caveat:  This is confidential. If you tell anyone, the S.E.C., (which is not so busy these days inasmuch as all hedge funds, banks, and investment advisors now obey the letter of the law) may investigate you for violating S.E.C. Regulation Section 2311.4.(a) (i) (C), "Sharing business ideas with unlicensed investors."

The Business Plan is elegant: And it means JOBS.  Are you listening, Barack?

1.  We hire Sarah Palin as our spokesperson.  She could do an infomercial that would net hundreds of millions. Hundreds! If she doesn't have a dog, we'll rent her one. I could write her script in a snap. 
2. We need a sales force to sell the PRAP (Post-Rapture Animalcare Policy) to the GFARTs (God Fearing American Right Thinkers).

3. We need a separate division of  salespersons to recruit PRICGs (Post-Rapture Insurance Care Givers), who would, of course, need to be on the payroll, but only at minimum fees because, not being right thinking God Fearing Christians, they do not believe this would happen, and will therefore never need to do anything for the money.

4.We need to set up a relationship with the Falwells, Dobsons and Huckabee's of the world.  They could pitch this from their churches and earn kickbacks, ...err... donations from our company.

5. We need an advertising sales staff. Dog food companies could bid for exclusive sponsorship. They would get the exclusive right to sell all the dog food for feeding the PRIDs (Post Rapture Insured Dogs).  Of course, that would be zero, but any right-thinking pre-rapture dog owner would start their pets on that food today so that the disappearance of their owners would not be such a dramatic change in their pet's poor soul-less lives.  Maybe we could sell the dog food directly as an add-on to the insurance premium.   (Hmmm. This beginning to sound a little like  an AARP promotion?  It does to me.)  And how about a Post Rapture Doggie Health Insurance Program, of course at a reasonable additional premium.  That would be a 100% profit item, of course.

Projections:  We charge ten bucks a month, First twelve months we sell 1,000,000 policies: Revenue: $120 million dollars. Should double every year for a while. (Need tax advice because want to spread the income out over the ten years.  Better still, make the policy longer and spread the income out for longer periods.)  Also want to deduct the expense of the PRIDCGs.  Hmm, maybe we need to promise them higher contingent fees.  (Love it, no contingency, no fees!) Maybe even 90% of our income. We then get some former Enron accountant (preferably one not in jail) to say all those contingent fees are booked now so they should be deductible now.  Deduct that, IRS!

How long before we go public?  Two years, I think. No too much longer than that. Get in, get out, that's the ticket.  We make our killing and spend it quickly just in case these cats are really on to something!

  What do we go public at, 10x earnings, 15x? We are looking at billions here.  Too bad the cap gains tax may increase to 20%.  Hmm. We go offshore, perhaps? St. Barths?  I'll get right on it.

You guys in?

A bientot.