15 March 2014

Report from Xandadu



Report from Xanadu:

Prose only. My poetry is rusty.

I am being harassed by waspish readers because of alleged lame blog production of late. I have a legitimate excuse and as soon as I get around to submitting a note from my doctor, I am sure Fidel DiBlasio will see to it that I get paid for my time off from work, putting aside the nagging fact that I don’t have a job.  In addition to back (c’est un double entendre) pay, I plan on also submitting to Fidel a claim for the emotional injury the complaining blogees have inflicted. That injury, though indirect, is proximately related to my disability. Trust me on this: I am a lawyer.

My back injury has led to a treatment plan that involves a new element in my tropical diet: codeine. Colorado, you are missing out: grass can’t be this good.  Now I know why islanders walk around wearing just bikini bottoms and smiles: Codeine is an over-the-counter drug here.

Even Le Journal, the St. Barths weekly, keeps us all current on the missing Malaysian Boeing 777. (Dodge that segue!)  This is my opportunity to find a way to make a living and never leave this island. What a great novel this will make. Hey, somebody needs to pick up the Tom CIancy baton, why not moi? I am already casting the movie. (Not yet sure of my role, but for sure it will be a leading one.)

Here’s the plot synopsis, ripped from the headlines!

Final Chapter: By the time the reader reaches this chapter, she will know the hijackers are Pakistani-hired Iranians, stole the plane and ditched it in the Indian Ocean, so that India would devote its entire Navy and Air Force to search for it. The hijackers escape. I am not yet sure how, but they do, and are picked up by an Iranian submarine. (The Pakis paid off their cousins who lead the Malaysian military to screw up and delay the report of the plane’s diversion till it was too late to do anything about it.)  While India focuses on its southern and eastern shores looking for the plane, the Pakis smuggle a nuclear weapon into India over its northern border, and truck it down to Mumbai and then threaten to trigger it if India does not do something that I haven’t figured out yet, but it’s important and it affects the United States. The US President (played by moi?  Maybe Pinks.  We’ll see) demands India stand fast. Whether India gives in to the demand will not be disclosed until the next book.

First Chapter: This begins, of course, with a lot of guys sweating through their khakis looking at huge computer monitors trying to figure out where the plane went, while the Malaysian military basically says, “I dunno, I just work here.”

The middle chapters: They find the plane the same way the U.S Navy found the Scorpion, the U.S submarine that mysteriously sank in 1968 (see fabulous story in the  NYT, 15 March,2014). Lots of other stuff in these chapters. I’ll fill in later.

Now here is the catch. What if the entire thing is so obviously grist for a novel, a movie, a tv series, a Netflix special, etc, that it never happened?  Think Wag the Dog!

Or how about this: the plane was indeed diverted and crashed, but the whole murderous escapade was orchestrated by a narcotic infused whacko bird (No, not Rush Limbaugh!) whose brain was rapidly decaying by reason of tropical jungle rot and who had already written the novel and needed to create the incident to match his story and make the book a best seller?  Man, ya gotta give him credit: the marketing ploy of the year!

Please think about all this. I will mention you in the acknowledgement if your full chapter donations are acceptable. For exceptional submissions, I will name a character after you. Oh, yeah. Husseins need not apply, I already have one of those.

A bientot.

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